Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
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Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I’m too immature for adultery.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*