remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
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When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies