Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
You Might Also Like
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.