I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.