My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.