[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I triple waxed for this?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.