Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
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Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.