If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.