In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
thanksgiving in nutshell
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.