Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY