Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
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I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.