The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
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Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.