What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
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I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.