[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
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If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”