“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
You Might Also Like
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”