You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
TRAIN’S HERE
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT