Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Dishonest mechanic?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.