[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
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Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?