Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
You Might Also Like
*Inspirational Tweets*
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE