Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.