[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later