I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.