All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Mornin
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
when there are deer in the woods
u spoke cat all this time??????
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.