I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles