Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Saw online –
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter