How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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As the Lord intended
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
are there any atheist mantises?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
#SaturdayBears
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
How actors in movies eat their food