Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
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I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Living the best life.. 😊
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
😍😂🥰😂😍
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets