Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
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Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I falcon love using swear birds
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment