Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
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I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.