You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.