The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
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new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*