The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
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The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
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[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms