bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
men are simple creatures
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr