Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.