Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
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My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed