Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
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Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
…..pretty much.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
same energy
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing