Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
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My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I鈥檓 at least a double. Probably a king sized
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
If you like pi帽a coladas and getting caught in the rain, that鈥檚 fine but your pi帽a colada is going to get watered down.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 馃巿 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he鈥檇 be in jail.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
kitchen magnet
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.