I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
i hate you platonically
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.