My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
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I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Every haunted house movie:
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.