a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
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There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
That’s classic.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors