Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single