Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.