I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
#math
what?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now