Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena