Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
This could be us, but you weedin’.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone