Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
You Might Also Like
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.