They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
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Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
estão todos miauvindo?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate