I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
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Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.