Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
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The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us