My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
You Might Also Like
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Oh, I bet you would be
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off